a reflection

unconditional love, that's what it is.

i never felt so convicted of God's love before.

only this time, it ain't an airy fairy, rush of adrenaline, lovey dovey feeling that God loves me immensely but a deep seated conviction with ripple-like effects that seeps into my very being..

in this retreat, i glimpsed a part of God's heart in the many moments that unfolded...

my entire experience was summed up in 1Kings19

1 kings 19 God did not come to Elijah in the midst of thunder, storm and fire but in a gentle whisper.

there was this elderly man, with white patches of hair on both sides of his head, i vivdly remembered the scene where he was carrying his cross, as he trudged the big cross across the room, he kept his eyes closed the entire time. he was going really slowly (but i think i took longer than him!) and on his anguished face, i wasnt sure if he was feeling the weight of the cross or if he was just reliving the pain and suffering Jesus felt. that moment just led me to a flashback of the passion movie, where there was this particular scene where after the whipping and scourging, this man was bearing the cross in the exact same manner Jesus did with his head slightly tilted and bowed down. it really moved me.

another friend that i met, whose story will be forever seeded on my heart, vince, a bubbly 41 yr old producer (looked nothing like his age!).. at the peak of this career, he had a beautiful wife, a nice car, flourishing business with a stunning career to boot and was apparently the talk of the town by his industry colleagues and in his words 'he was living the high life.' six years ago, he went through a real difficult and trying season of his life... looking back, these past six years, he was sharing that at very appointed times, God places people in his life to draw him back and he now sees the hand of God in the workings of his life. more recently, part of his weekends are spent in front of the blessed sacrament and he now serves in his parish as a cathecist.

what struck me was his joy that emanated from within, whether it was during p&w or just a casual conversation, it was incredibly infectious and it spilled out over to the people around him. dear vince, i am praying for you to find and see the workings of God in the daily web of your life and at the same time, in this journey, to have the strength to find yourself back again.

another moment that left most of us in awe and amazement was josie's sharing, during the station of the cross, she found it hard to carry the cross, and with each increasing step, it seemed heavier and heavier, in the midst of it, she heard heavy breathing and held her breath a few times to see if it was her own breathing or not, she later attributed it to 'the wood was breathing, did u hear it?' ...but thankfully she perservered in prayer and looking back, came to the knowledge that it wasnt her breathing but rather it was the breath of Jesus assuring her and telling her to go on, it just reminded me that God is truly close at hand not just decades ago when He beared that heavy cross up calvary and that when we go through life struggling to bear the crosses of our lives, he is with us encouraging us and telling us that his grace which abounds plentifully will see us through the trying periods...

and its in these small moments that i see Him showing up, back to the passage of 1kings19 which fr goh shared, he ask us to look within ourselves and see if there's anything that we are running away from... personally, i wasnt running away from anything anymore, if there's anything i am running to, its running to Him... you know they say good friends challenge you not to run away from your fears, but to walk right into & come full on with it, in fact, God was like that best friend challenging me to run to him with whatever i had, not just in this camp, but in respect to all areas of my life... to know that He is not letting me go through it alone but he has empowered me with his spirit. it was such a deep sense of affirmation that God is with me as I start this new season of my life.

u know i was just thinking as much as i got a deeper revelation about the extent of the unconditional love of God for us but i will NEVER in my lifetime grasp & comprehend the full extent of how much and why He loves us the way He does...

one day when i meet Him, maybe ill understand...

for i have loved u with an everlasting love, i've called you and you are mine.. jer 31:3